Conceptually, the idea of a novel written in IMs is a cool idea. Plot-wise? Yeah, I’ve always thought this series kinda sucked.
Blah blah blah, back to school sadness and stuff.
Oh, fun. We’re gonna get clique stuff. Maybe I was just completely oblivious, but even though there were sorta cliques at my high school, the whole drama stereotype around the whole thing in media wasn’t actually super big at my school.
Of course these girls have mostly different class schedules but just so happened to get the same lunch period. My county school system was weird and had only half of our classes one day and the other half the other day, so the lunch periods were weirdly flexible… which meant I was lucky to have one friend in a lunch period half the time, let alone several. Which means half the time, I spent most of my lunch periods in the library instead of the cafeterias. Wait, no, freshman year, I just suffered in the cafeteria alone because it took me until the next year to realize that the school library selection wasn’t actually shit.
More fun teen drama. Who’s this Susie girl who got dropped by her popular summer friends? Is she going to show up later in the book? Is this just a handful of throwaway lines to display more clique shit? Why should I care?
Susie got publically shamed because she doesn’t shave down below? Who the fuck cares? These high school kids are so petty.
Zoe’s the super nice one of the trio… Wait, hold up… She’s the one that has all the Sleazy Shit happen to her later in the book, isn’t she?
No, but how did they get lockers so fast? Again with the “my school system may have been weird” stuff, but in middle and high school, we couldn’t get our lockers until the second or third day of school when we turned in all our Updates to School Records forms we got in homeroom on the first day.
I know high school is shit and these girls are trying to fit in, but all these Big School Dreams aren’t going to matter, like… soon.
Wait, it’s only the first day of school, and Zoe’s English teacher’s already forcing her to read three chapters of The Great Gatsby? Seriously? I’m with Angela. That does sound awful.
How am I only six pages in and already complaining more than I expected?
And we’re starting off with a quote from the original A Study in Scarlet. No, OG Watson, Sherlocks don’t exist outside of stories, for the most part, especially most modern Sherlocks with their uber-pretentious geniusness. The only good exception I can think of is CBS Elementary Sherlock, who’s apparently closer to ACD canon.
“I only met Charlotte because of weirdly specific boarding school circumstances after getting hurt during rugby practice.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure American teens don’t play much rugby unless they go to a boarding school. Even if Charlotte and Jamie are British immigrants.
Jamie’s on scholarship? OK.
And he’s got a shit dad because of course he does.
OK, please don’t let this homesickness turn into Jamie-is-a-whiny-baby. I’ve mentioned it for other books, but that’s a huge turnoff for me.
Well, this is fun. “Weirdly specific boarding school circumstances” also include bad stereotype crazy teen parties.
And Charlotte and Jamie are Destined To Be Besties Like Their Ancestors Because They Have To. Can anyone give me more recs like Neil Gaiman’s A Study in Emerald where Holmes and Watson AREN’T friends for once? That would be refreshing. Also, please don’t say the Lock and Mori series, where it’s a Sherlock/girl!Moriarty ship. I attempted reading the first one and rage quit at the stupidity. I may force myself to “try” those again just to bitch about them on here someday.
Of course, Charlotte’s the pretentious-level genius already. Can we get more detective stories where the detective isn’t pretentiously smart, just extremely lucky? Something more along the lines of Dirk Gently, especially the 2016 TV version?
And now during the Official Introduction, Jamie’s babbling like an idiot, and Charlotte’s a stuck-up bitch.
*squints at the rating for this book my personal Goodreads account when I first read this* How did I give this five stars? This book is shit.
Jamie’s mom always tried to keep him away from Charlotte? Good. Shoulda gone with the “fuck fate” and kept that up instead of trying to force Jamie to go to a school closer to his shit dad.
Charlotte was called to assist the police on a case when she was a ten-year-old? That’s… that’s a whole new level of Sherlock Holmes pretentiousness.
“Shut up about Charlotte or I’ll sell your autographed Neil Gaiman collection.” OK, first, nice reference to that story I mentioned earlier. Second, I’ll gladly take that collection because obviously Jamie’s stupid enough to ignore that advice.
Charlotte’s already Miss Super Detective, and Jamie’s all like “I’mma be a writer when I grow up.” Bad. Bad bad bad.
Oh, fun. This Dobson dude’s obviously the Bully Stereotype.
No, wait… he’s the Sleazy Bully Stereotype. That’s even worse.
Great. They keep referencing the strong possibility of Charlotte inheriting Sherlock’s drug issues. Can we not? For once? I know it’s supposed to be a big character point for Sherlock, but can we please just get rid of the whole stupid “Sherlock uses because he ‘thinks better’ while high” thing?
Wait, Jamie’s got anger management issues? And that’s why he was Forced Into Rugby? Can we not do that either?
Jamie’s “defending Charlotte’s honor” because of course he is.
Yeah, this Dobson’s a creep. And I’m definitely not liking the implications of this bit where Charlotte asked if he only liked girls drugged and unconscious.
She’s also got this “not a damsel in distress” thing going? I guess?
Oh, lovely. On the one hand, I’m glad that this shithead Dobson’s the murder victim. On the other hand, seriously? This is how Jamie’s going to live his fanboy dream?
Well, this is an interesting start: Cinderella, now Cinder, isn’t quite completely human.
New Beijing means a bunch of Chinese characters. If this ever does get turned into a movie, they better not whitewash everyone.
So, Cinder’s a mechanic. And people hate her because she’s a cyborg. That’s fun.
Oh, that’s lovely. In the future, “Ring around the rosie” is still a popular kids’ song, but the original references to the plague in the song are relevant again because of a recent plague outbreak.
The crown prince decided to show up and be one of Cinder’s customers? That’s not suspicious at all… Especially if he’s trying to do it disguised as a commoner.
The prince didn’t know Cinder was Cinder because he was expecting a guy. OK, in this case, because he’s pretending to be a commoner, I’d have punched him for that without worrying about getting in trouble for assaulting someone in the royal family. If he wasn’t pretending to be a commoner, I’d still do it anyway.
So, the prince’s android servant(?) isn’t working, the royal mechanics can’t fix her, and apparently Cinder’s the local Super Expert.
Which excuse is true for why Kai wants the outdated android fixed: sentimental value or the trade secrets? Or both? Probably both.
Kai doesn’t know Cinder’s a cyborg, and Iko finally decides to show up and almost out her. Because of course Iko has terrible timing.
Wait, Iko’s an android? I totally missed that earlier when Cinder kept being impatient while waiting for her replacement foot.
What’s this big festival coming up? I’m guessing it’s some sort of parallel to the ball in the original Cinderella, but I’m going to need a bit more context for this festival.
Peony is one of the stepsisters, I’m guessing?
Of course they had to go with the “why didn’t you tell me my face was a mess in front of the cute guy sooner?” trope.
Oh, fun. The baker’s got the plague, and now everyone in the market’s scared they’ll catch it.
Only one paragraph in, and Ananna’s already suspicious of this arranged-marriage fiance because he’s hot. Cue Jamila’s advice from the Nancy Drew game Tomb of the Lost Queen about cute guys knowing what they can get away with and therefore are untrustworthy, just because they’re cute guys.
Also, arranged marriage = bad.
The sarcasm level here, though…
“This dress is way too tight, and it’s squishing my boobs together and making them look ginormous.” That’s a lovely mental image.
Mispronouncing Ananna’s name? Yep. Strike two.
“Yeah, you’ve got a fancy ship, but you got a crew?” “Yeah, I got one.” “What are you gonna do with it all?” “Go on a fool’s mission.”
Sexist little shit asking if Ananna’s afraid of his plan? Yeah, strike three. Ditch this dude.
OK, but how long is this sensible thing of “I know a bad plan when I see one” going to last?
Oh, lovely. This dude’s not technically a captain yet.
Ananna’s saying the marriage isn’t final? Good. Get out.
Insulting Ananna and her family? Bad move. Get the fuck out.
Pretending she’s thirsty and send the fiance off for a drink to distract him enough to run? OK…
Actually… come to think of it, Ananna’s annoying me already. Sure, I’m a sucker for the whole “girl who can take care of herself” thing, but the way she speaks just makes her sound… stupid.
Wait, now she’s pretending to be a girly-girl who wants a pretty necklace for the wedding? Seriously?
Now she’s stealing a camel. That’s fun.
Oh, lovely. “Sure, I just ran away from a marriage, but I’m also running away from my family.”
Steal some clothes from a laundry line then sell the wedding dress. Great plan. Except for the whole “I’m totally lost in an unfamiliar part of town because I’m avoiding places my family would look” bit.
And now Ananna’s stealing food, too.
Why do I get the feeling that this nightmare is foreshadowing?
This book is… not good so far. I’ve apparently got a good track record for “shitty book series by authors called Cassandra.”
Here we go: The first book in another series to go in my “more nostalgia than anything” tag AKA “I recognize this book/series is complete shit, but memories” tag on Goodreads.
OK, it’s been ages since I read Julius Caesar in school, so I have no idea what this quote’s about. I think it might be one of the conspirators being all guilty about the murder after the fact? Or one of them considering backing out? If only the act and scene were listed (or at least some indication of which character was being quoted, just for context) so I could pull out my No Fear Shakespeare edition and use their modern English translation. But because there’s no act and scene noted, it’s just like “Oh, look! Edgy quote! This is where the series title came from!”
Yeah, now this Paradise Lost quote is definitely there for the edge factor disguised as “Look! This is where the title for Part One of this book comes from because parallels and angels and demons and shit.” Although technically I never did actually read as much of Paradise Lost as I want to. We were supposed to read a longer section of it than we got to in English my senior year of high school, but we only read a tiny bit because we had to scramble to fit in more of the full-length novels we had to read because school got snowed out for like 2 1/2 weeks.
Clary and Simon trying to get into an all-ages club? That’s boring! Where’s the whole trope of teens trying to get into a club club with a fake ID? It’s only one page into the actual first chapter, and this book’s already starting to lose its edginess. Hell, this kid trying to bring the knife in is better at this edgy teen stereotype than Clary and Simon. (This is all coming from someone who’s turning 27 in like a month and has never been to a club with a valid ID, let alone a fake one.)
More on this knife kid: Oh. My. God. His bright blue hair and weird green eyes make him sound like the edgy main character from something they’d read on that Bad Creepypasta series on the MichaelLeroi channel on YouTube.
Oh, lovely. This kid’s the first demon to show up in the series, isn’t he? Because of course he is. And apparently he feeds off of people’s life forces. Or something.
“She was beautiful, for a human…” Oh, come on.
Yep. Someone’s about to die in that back storage room. And it’s totally not gonna be Izzy. I mean this girl I’ve never read about before in my life.
Clary dragged Simon out to the club because she wanted to go party, but now she’s totally zoning out. Lovely.
Simon’s wearing a “Made in Brooklyn” shirt? As far as raunchy jokes go, that one’s not even cheesy. It’s just dumb.
Clary! Why the hell are you even interested in demon boy? It’s not even the fact that he’s a demon or that he’s screwed for picking Izzy out of the crowd, but just… why?
Simon using “I’m a cross-dresser” and “I’m fucking your mom” as Really Shocking Fake Admissions To Get Clary’s Attention is just… creepy and wrong on so many levels.
Clary can see Jace and Alec following Izzy and Demon Boy into the storage area but Simon can’t. And now she’s dragging Simon over there to Get Help. That’s totally going to end well. (Oh, wait. I’m still not supposed to know Jace and Alec and Izzy’s names yet, am I?)
Oh, fun. Bad flirting between Izzy and Demon Boy.
And Izzy’s got her bracelet-that’s-not-a-bracelet.
Really, Izzy? You had a two-second setup for being the badass who doesn’t need no man that you’re supposed to be written to be, then you decide to hand the fight over to Jace and Alec? Really?!
Yeah, when they say “storage room,” they actually mean “warehouse-looking back room.”
Clary… Clary’s so dumb. Instead of thinking “Kids with knives! Danger! Bad! Don’t follow!” she gets curious and follows. Not to mention the fact that she’s going into a clearly marked Employees Only area, and she can read the sign well enough.
The storage room was too cold for mid-August, and it wasn’t the air conditioning. Clary, just… just stop being dumb.
“There’s nobody there… No wait, there they are.” Worst game of hide-and-seek ever.
Clary’s over here thinking everyone else in the room is crazy for talking about demons. Girl, you’re crazy for following them in there. And I must be crazy for reading this.
“Do you think I talk too much?” Yes, Jace. Yes, I do. Also, you’re an asshole.
“Valentine’s not dead.” “Yes he is.” “No he isn’t.” Y’all are acting like five-year-olds.
“I’m not blind, you know.” I wouldn’t say you’re blind, but you’re definitely too stupid to pay attention to what you see. Or read. Like the “Do Not Enter” sign.
All of y’all are dumb. Everyone in this whole damn storage room is dumb.
Jace is an asshole and Clary is dumb. Can I officially state for the record that I’m going to be saying this a lot throughout this series?
Simon showed up to… not save the day. Because apparently Simon still can’t see Jace and Izzy and Alec.
“Yeah, they’re not gonna let us back in that club because they think we’re nuts.” “Why do you care? You hate when I drag you there.” See, I can write this better than the actual book.
Oh, fun. Ending the chapter with the old stereotype of “We’re best friends who tell each other everything, right?” followed with the blatant lie of “Yeah, sure.”
So, they just had to sprint across the branch to get across. Sudden flashbacks to the loads of times it took me to do that when playing Passing Pineview Forest.
Jack and Annie finally made it to the treehouse. But where’s… Oh, Peanut beat them there.
The ninja master beat them there, too. With a moonstone. So that’s one of the four things to help save Morgan?
OK, the home book was just buried under other books?
Also, what is this mission? Other than saving Morgan?
Oh, fun. Now Jack and Annie get to meet the ninja master.
Annie over here saying she and Jack are from Frog Creek, Pennsylvania, like that means anything to the ninja master and that he even knows where that is.
OK, so one of the ninjas was a girl? Is that ninja Morgan? Because she’s disguised herself as a knight before.
So, what’s the ninja master gonna do with Morgan’s message?
“OK, if you want me to help you, you gotta pass the ninja tests. Also, the samurai’s about to show up, which is Bad. Because that samurai’s one of our rivals.”
“LOL, JK. There’s no time for the test because, y’know, rival samurai. Just follow the ways of the ninja, and you’ll be OK. Watch out for the samurai!”
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