I feel like this whole series is one of those things where it’s like “this series was my shit in like the eighth grade, but it hasn’t aged well.”
So, apparently Calypso’s going back to school after Easter and is planning to keep from being bullied by reinventing herself. This sort of thing always ends horribly.
Yeah, this is definitely going to be awful. Calypso goes to an all-girls’ boarding school and is going to be stuck rooming with the girl who bullies her for growing up in America.
Georgina’s the queen bee and Honey’s her sidekick. I’m getting Mean Girls vibes.
Apparently Calypso’s parents are screenwriters in Hollywood? It’s been ages since I’ve read this, but who tries to ask Calypso to hook them up with her barely-existent connections in the film business?
Oh, fun. Calypso’s only going to St. Augustine’s because her mom went there.
Also, Calypso’s a fencer?
And Calypso’s only got one friend, Star.
This is lovely. Everyone at this school’s got super rich-and-or-famous parents, and it’s like these girls are trying to out-rich-and-famous each other.
Oh, wait, Calypso’s actually in a triple dorm and is rooming with Star and Georgina?
Star’s the goth girl who gets picked on, and she and Georgia met on the fencing team. Apparently.
Calypso and Star don’t fit into the super-rich-girl-cliquey rules apparently. And apparently the biggest rule that trumps the rest is “you gotta have a hot boyfriend.”
Calypso’s parents are very against her dating.
Also, this whole thing of “you’re not cool unless you’ve got a boyfriend” thing is… kinda misogynistic? Can we have one teen fiction where nobody ends up with anybody not because of a shitty breakup or half the couple dies but because they just choose to be friends?
So, Calypso’s staying in the cool old dorm that’s supposed to be fun to sneak out of at night except for the dodgy old lady who’s the house mother.
“Tea or death? Yeah, who picks death?” “Probably Cambridge guys, huh?” “Knock it off, guys. This is Samaranth, the last dragon in the Archipelago plus the chief dragon plus the first dragon in the Archipelago.”
Samaranth knows what’s up with Bug but Bug doesn’t know what’s up with Bug.
Hooray for Leprechaun crackers. Which are apparently not made of Actual Leprechauns. I… what exactly… how do Leprechaun crackers or tea biscuits translate into American snacks?
Does… does Samaranth… trade gold and jewels? Way to promote bad dragon stereotypes, Charles. Samaranth is a Book Dragon, obviously.
“No, Bert, we haven’t actually met, but I do hear things about stuff going on in the Archipelago anyway. Now, what’s up out there?” “Um… The Parliament got replaced by robots, Paralon is burning, and the Winter King is trying to take over.” “You’re an Animal. What do you know about these robots, Tummeler?” “There aren’t actually any more actual royals in the Archipelago. But they weren’t supposed to? do that?”
So now they have to go take the Geographica to the Cartographer of Lost Places to destroy it. *squints in LOTR again*
“So, John, you never got formal Caretaker training?” “Not really?” “You sure about that?” “OK, maybe some vague training I didn’t know was training?” “YOU? FUCKING? SURE? ABOUT? THAT? ??????” “OK, I did get ‘Here, There Be Dragons’ pretty quickly.” “Good.” “Also… it’s on every map in a bunch of languages… OH!”
Everyone’s like “OK, how do we leave and avoid the trolls?” but Samaranth is just over here like “Sarum was cool, but this Arawn guy’s a douche.”
And then he’s just like “Hey, take this. It could come in handy. Yeah, that’s the High King’s ring. I made it for the line of Arthur, and I can take it away just as easily as I gave it if the High Kings suck at ruling because they get too power-hungry. Just… it isn’t all y’all think it is. That’s all I’ll say without giving away spoilers.”
And John finally figured out how to translate the Geographica.
So they’re finally back to the Indigo Dragon and are about to go find the Cartographer, and Tummeler’s just like “Hey, I can’t go with y’all, but have a copy of my cookbook!”
Oh, fun. The destruction of Paralon is giving John More War Flashbacks.
Also, apparently the Trolls were gonna Try Taking Over even without the chaos caused by the Winter King and his Replacement Tick-Tock Parliament?
So, yeah, they can’t escape from the main harbor because the Trolls likely blocked it. And because the Indigo Dragon decided
Tummeler to the rescue!
So they’re taking the Secret Animals and Royals Road.
“Will we get in trouble for going into the ruins of the Original Paralon City? It can’t be worse than what’s going on in Current Paralon City.”
Bug’s over here “So, Trauma From Horrible Deaths is what freaked you out? Oh, OK, I gotcha.”
“Right, y’all, we’re going this way to the Secret Animal Hideout.” “But what about going north to get to the Indigo Dragon?” “Um… yeah, we’ll only get so far doing that with the Winter King still after us.”
“Something’s been bothering me. That Steward of Paralon looked suspiciously familiar.” “It’s probably only because he was the first one like ‘ight imma head out’ during the mess with the Clockwork Parliament and had a hand in the whole thing.” I mean, Bert’s not exactly wrong, but… Please listen to John, y’all. Sure, he messed up with the Geographica a few times, but seriously. Listen to him.
A Secret Door with a clue to the Secret Password carved in Elvish… *squints suspiciously in LOTR*
And John is the one who thought that was a dumb idea?
“Wait, Eledin came up with the riddle? Is that like some Aladdin shit?” *sarcastically guesses the password* “You’re my new BFF, Scowler Charles.”
“What’s with the skeletons?” “Oh, those are just props. I hope…”
I love how Samaranth’s first lines basically boil down to
So, yeah, even in 1750, the Library was up to their same bullshit of having people “die unexpectedly” after having a discovery they don’t like, even Obscurists.
Bleak and miserable war zone is fun.
No, but how seriously sheltered were most of these kids to not know the actual extent of how miserable the ordinary citizens were in the war zone?
“Rules say we can take as long as we need because Library.” “LOL, no. New rules say get out by nightfall because war zone where we’re all fucked.”
And of course the Library won’t provide refuge to the desperate ordinary peeps because they’re all assholes.
Of course this particular branch of the Library doesn’t have supplies to help the refugees because who wants to bet that the higher-ups don’t want to actually be charitable.
So, this stash of books was just… sitting in some supposedly disused storeroom that the Librarians found when looking for supplies for the refugees. The fact that this shitton of books was hidden there for so long until Ebele found it is a bit sketchy.
Wolfe and Morgan conveniently disappeared while the other kids had to sort the books for sending based on importance because of course they did.
“Morgan’s not my girlfriend.” OK, Jess, we all know that’s bullshit. (And the fact that you even like her is also bullshit.)
Of course the weather’s worse and the mob’s only going to be gone long enough to get reinforcements. Because why not make things more dangerous?
Even with trying to only tag the most important books, they still have to have Jess send a shitton at a time and get sick because of course there’s no time to do it any other way.
Wait, Portero’s still here? Dude. Please go away. Dario’s shitty enough with you around being his lackey.
Yep. Of course the mob’s back and bigger and attacking. And now they’re going to have to tag the kids like they do the books to get them out of the books? And it’s like Translating on steroids?
Oh lovely, they’re headed for one of the safehouses Jess’ family smuggling ring uses. Which means everyone’s gonna find out.
Ebele’s sacrificing herself? Really? We’re given what’s supposed to be a really good Strong Black Woman, and she’s FUCKING GETTING KILLED OFF IN THE SAME CHAPTER SHE GOT INTRODUCED IN? Really? This is why we can’t have nice things.
Wolfe’s over here like “I been knew you’re a smuggler after that arrest a while back but I’ve been covering for you like with Morgan. Also because that info could be useful.”
I’m over here looking at the back of the book where they’ve got review quotes, and this one from Teen Vogue is like “Katniss and Tris would approve.” No? No they won’t? This is one of those books I’m only reading because it’s supposed to be popular even though it sucks ass and is overhyped? (I definitely ragequit like two chapters in during my initial readthrough and already have it listed it as one star on my personal Goodreads because this is dumb and boring and would have wasted potential if it didn’t sound like it was attempting to rip off so many other YA dystopian novels and failed.)
Shinobu and Quin are getting woken up in the middle of the night because of course they are.
OK, so they have to go to the Secret Abandoned Castle Hideout In The Woods Because The Family Is Under Attack. Or something.
Also, why does this author have a hard time explaining anything already? On the one hand, throwing the readers into the action immediately, but on the other hand, I remember “not explaining shit” being a huge problem here.
Who the hell is this vaguely henchman-like dude chasing the kids?
So, Quin’s gutsy just for being the generic Badass Chick Just For The Sake Of Being A Badass Chick already?
And they just fell into a dark sub-crypt just because Extra Scary Trapped Kids Moment.
Quin’s complaining about how she didn’t bring a flashlight? So we’ve got a weird mix of medieval and modern here? Also, if these kids are Scottish, why aren’t they calling it a torch? To drill in the fact that it’s medieval-modern-dystopian and using the term “torch” would make it more confusing? Or because the author’s an American Who Doesn’t Know UK Slang?
Oh, fun. Now they’re trying to make an Actual Torch? Or a campfire? Or something? Because they conveniently have fire-making materials hiding in their shoes In Case Of Survival Emergencies and skills that their dads drilled into their heads for some reason. Why. Are. We. Not. Getting. Explanations. For. Anything?
This stranger’s trying to lure Shinobu out saying that his dad asked him to. Because that’s not suspicious.
Oh, lovely. Shinobu’s apparently going to conveniently forget the whole incident as he grows up because of course he is.
OK, yeah. We’ve got no explanation as to who the woman all the adults were arguing about finding was. And why it was so important she would get found. Because explaining things is apparently not a thing here.
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