OK, this totally sounds weird, but I have this weird tradition about reading this around Thanksgiving every year. Yeah, I know Halloween sounds better, but it makes more sense to me for Thanksgiving because it reminds me of getting my copy at the fall Scholastic Book Fair in 2003, early on in sixth grade.
Also, expect me to have loads of the standard “The Book Was Better Than The Movie” complaints throughout this reread.
My first complaint is that movie!Coraline is much more of a brat than book!Coraline. I will… probably explain more as I read (but take some of my explanations with a grain of salt because it’s been ages since I’ve watched the actual movie).
But anyway, back to the regularly scheduled book commentary.
So, Coraline and her parents live in the middle flat in a renovated mansion. The attic and the basement have already been long-rented-out.
Also, Suspicious Door Coraline Found Is Suspicious.
Oh, wait. In the book, Misses Spink and Forcible rented out the ground floor, Coraline’s family rented out the middle floor, and the Weird Old Man rented out the attic. And the basement was just… The Basement That’s Not Overly Creepy Yet. (Misses Spink and Forcible had the basement in the movie? I think?)
So, Miss Spink and Miss Forcible are retired actresses.
Also, the dogs are funny.
And the Weird Old Man’s trying to train a mouse circus.
Everyone mispronouncing Coraline’s name all the time has gotta be frustrating. The closest I’ve ever gotten is “wait, do you have an H in the middle of your name or not?”
No, but random question: At what point do you get so tired of being patient when trying to correct people who get your name wrong that you just snap and get so petty you purposely get their names wrong until they get the point?
OK, but those gardens and the tennis court sound like they’d be amazing if someone got around to actually fixing them. (Random memory, with spoilers: I forget how much the garden changed when Coraline went to the Other Mother’s world in the book, but the whole “making it look nice to show off to entice Coraline” sequence in the movie was just… a bit too showy? And because the whole thing felt so overdone, it kinda lost some of the charm from the book.)
After Miss Spink and Miss Forcible vaguely mentioned it, Coraline’s trying to find the scary old well that’s super deep and got closed off, just so she can know where it is and avoid it so she doesn’t get hurt. Child Logic seems legit here.
Ah, yes. The Cat. Gotta love The Cat.
Yeah, being stuck inside when it’s raining and you’ve read everything you have 5,000 times and you’ve watched all your TV shows and you’re a kid does get boring.
The dad’s just like “OK, you explored the outside of the house, right? Have you explored the inside yet? Go count all these things. But just be quiet because I’m Working.”
Lovely. The one Suspicious Door That Should Go Into One Of The Flats In The Other Half Of Coraline’s Floor is all bricked up. And locked. And Coraline’s mom didn’t bother locking the door back up because Why Would She Lock A Bricked-Up Door?
So, Coraline hates it when her dad makes Recipes… which kinda sound like failed dishes on Chopped. And then Coraline’s just like “screw it, I’m making myself a TV dinner pizza.”
And now I’m suddenly reminded of the time my dad tried making some sort of polenta and ham thing? a few years back. My first reaction was “OMG, dad’s making a Recipe.” And then I was like “I don’t know what polenta is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to look like that.” (Turns out I was right after watching so much Chopped since then.)
Oh, lovely. Coraline’s trying to go to sleep, and the Bricked-Over Door just seemingly opened itself up… but a rat got in through the door. Even though it’s supposed to still be bricked over. And the rat’s invading Coraline’s nightmares and brought a few rat buddies to taunt her.
So, the secret spy base is underground. I’m getting “mad scientist lab” vibes already.
Prov the Office Manager sneaks Jesse chocolate sometimes to give her an occasional sense of normal childhood. Because she’s awesome.
So, Mary’s officially called Jesse’s carer. Or spy handler. Or tutor. Or something.
Oh, fun. Jesse technically completed the assignment, but she’s worried she messed it up.
Also, apparently her best friend, Rohan, disappeared… uh, got sick and left… under mysterious circumstances.
Oh, fun. Rohan disappeared shortly after getting suspicious of their C2 agency’s motives and started hacking into stuff. Because of course there needs to be a conspiracy element.
Yeah, Jesse getting called to the director’s office is probably a bad sign, since this sounds like the closest thing she’s had to getting called into the principal’s office.
What’s her mission at the mall? (It’s been ages since I’ve read this first book, but I’m getting training mission vibes?) And why do I get the feeling that the hobo guy’s part of whatever training mission or something?
What’s the fishbowl? And why’s failing the mission bad enough that Jesse’s afraid of going back there?
Jurassic pork? That’s the cheesiest pun I’ve heard in a while.
Lawnhead? What kinda insult is Lawnhead? Does that mean he’s got a military buzzcut for hair or does it mean his hair is a mess like an overgrown lawn?
Oh, fun. The Obscurist Magnus knows about Morgan’s powers, and he’s ordering her to be kidnapped.
And that was a short ephemera interlude.
“So far, though, luck was with them.” LOL, not for long.
And now Jess and Company are trekking back through the freezing rain with what books they could take. And apparently the “muddy” streets smell like sewers. Who wants to bet that’s not actually 100% mud?
OK, now Jess’s “cousin” who runs the pub as part of the smuggling cover might actually be some sort of (possibly distant) cousin for real?
And of course Jess is gonna have to have some sort of interesting bargaining chip for his family’s help.
This Frederick guy thinks Brendan’s an ass, too? OK, good.
Well, this is great. Not only is the Obscurist Magnus’ lackeys after Morgan, so is her dad. And Mr. Hault got there first. And he’s obviously dangerous after living in the war zone for so long.
Yeah, the war’s definitely fucked Mr. Hault up mentally.
I’d say his brand of vigilante justice isn’t the right way to bring down the shit that is the Library, but, y’know, sequels (although technically I’m only up to book two on my personal Goodreads).
So, Mr. Hault turned to the Burner cause? Yeah, that’s lovely.
Well, that was… an abrupt end to the standoff. Also, I love Wolfe basically like “Not another word to my students or you’re dying next.”
Wait, I read that wrong? Mr. Hault’s not actually dead yet? God, I need sleep.
So, this is lovely. Nobody likes the Library Crew: Not the military earlier, not Frederick’s smuggling branch now…
Time to pull out a meme again:
Frederick’s all like “I didn’t sell y’all out!” but he did corner them with a “guide” in the middle of a now-blocked-off cemetery…
Oh, fun. Now Portero’s dead, and we’re down to the final six kids. Although I seriously wish Dario and Morgan died with him…
And in the middle of the battle, some lady gave Jess a random baby that won’t end up going to safety like the mom wants.
So, the Library Crew managed to escape the city just as the battle started for real. Lovely.
Oh, fun. Apparently Conor has to write about important things that happened in their life for English class, and the only thing he can think of is his mom treating him to the Best Day Ever™ Even Though They Both Knew It Preceded Discussing Bad News once she first got diagnosed with cancer.
Conor. Seriously. Sure, you’re freaked out about your mom being sick, but stop acting like a brat and refusing help.
OK, even though Lily does want to help, blabbing about Conor’s mom to the whole school was a bit of a dick move.
So, not only is Conor dealing with his mom being sick, his parents are also divorced. That’s lovely.
Of course Conor just happens to glance at the yew tree on the way into his house after school.
So, Taran got lost in the woods while trying to track Hen Wen. Because of course Hen Wen has a better sense of direction.
Of course Taran conveniently stumbles across the Horned King.
I know the Horned King is supposed to look creepy with his human-skull-with-deer-horns-head, but if somehow it works out that Disney does put their movie series rights renewal to use in making this book be the next live-action remake, I’ll probably not be fazed by that after watching the Butcher’s Block season of Channel Zero and seeing the Pestilent God. (OK, technically the Pestilent God’s head was a straight-up deer skull, but close enough?)
And apparently Taran just wore himself out and passed out after running away because he almost got caught.
I love how Taran’s reaction to being saved by Gwydion basically goes from “Bullshit, you’re not Gwydion; you’re old as balls” to And then Gwydion’s just like “You know you don’t have to look super young and fancy to look like royalty?”
I also love how Gwydion’s reaction to being told the Horned King is in the area and that Hen Wen’s trying to run away from him is just “That sounds fake, but OK. Also, what a coincidence, I’m looking for Hen Wen, too. But at Caer Dallben.”
“No, Taran! Let’s not get all stabby at the Horned King immediately during our search for Hen Wen. We gotta do this carefully so that we don’t, y’know, die and stuff.”
So, apparently the Horned King is Definitely Arawn’s Lackey and they’re trying to take over Prydain.
“I’m going to take on the Horned King to help save Prydain, and one of us is gonna die. And it ain’t gonna be me.” “I’m coming with you because I’m in charge of Hen Wen.” “Kid, you’re just some nobody who’s about to get in the way. GTFO.” “LOL, no.” “OK, fine.”
I mean, I totally get the whole “artist staring at their own art for so long they find 654654165465 things wrong with it” thing, but honestly, if making Clary an Aspiring Artist™ as one of the things that contributes to her being a total Mary Sue, adding this bit of realism to the artist thing isn’t helping.
Simon’s over here calling Clary, pretending to be one of the Shadowhunters she’s currently terrified of. Yeah, what a great BFF. (Also, I do understand he wasn’t actually there during the confrontation, not that he’d be able to see what was going on, but Clary never did tell the Shadowhunters her name, did she?)
So, Clary’s mom went out with Luke and hasn’t Officially Grounded Clary for being out late. Bad sign alert.
And Simon’s in the Manhattan equivalent of a garage band? I say that because I honestly don’t know how much room for home garages there is in Manhattan, and room for garage bands by extension.
“It’s not like I’m inviting you to some orgy in Hoboken.” OK, I’m honestly thinking of doing a tally of “Uh, what the fuck, Simon?” moments in this book now. So far, it’s at two moments so far this chapter.
Of course Clary’s mom is the Super Amazing Artist that Clary wants to be. (Y’know what? I should start calling her Jocelyn already since I’ve already read this ages ago but I’m not *technically* supposed to know that yet. Kinda like last chapter with the Shadowhunter kids.)
And now we’ve got some lovely backstory about Clary’s dead dad and dead older brother and Jocelyn’s name finally got mentioned.
Luke showed up but no Jocelyn because she’s parking the car because that’s totally not convenient enough for Shit To Go Horribly Wrong.
Clary’s asking Luke about what she should do about the Totally Hypothetical Situation With The Shadowhunters That Luke Totally Doesn’t Know About.
OK, Luke’s got “very blue” eyes. I’m gonna go with Mary Sue… uh, Gary Stu Blue, since they can’t be Fanfiction Green?
Yep. Luke’s brushing off the whole thing like “What? I totally don’t know what Shadowhunters are. You’re just… using your Artist Observational Skills you got from your mom. Yeah, that’s it.”
Oh, good. Nothing bad happened to Jocelyn. Yet.
And she and Clary are both redheads. OK.
“Clary wasn’t a super gorgeous clone of her mom like everyone thought. She was just your cute, average, klutzy Mary Sue.”
“You’re not grounded, Clary. Also, all these boxes are for… a… vacation? Yeah, we’re totally going on a long-term vacation… only a few weeks before school starts.” “But mahm! I’m gonna miss all these parties with my friends and the uber-fancy art classes I paid for! Luke! Please back me up in acting like a bratty five-year-old instead of someone who’s almost sixteen!” “LOL, no.” “Fine. I’mma stay here on my own.”
What’s this totally not suspicious foreshadowing about going to Bane to Cover Shit Up Again and Clary not being Jonathan and letting Clary grow up?
And now Luke’s bailing, and Simon just so happens to conveniently show up so that he can help Clary be a bratty five-year-old who runs away when she doesn’t get what she wants. Um, I mean, take her to Eric’s poetry reading at Java Jones.
Ah, yes, Madame Dorothea, the local psychic downstairs. Oh, CCH Pounder, why did you get wrapped up in the shitty movie based on this shitty book and play her? (Also, as far as “local psychics downstairs” go, I like Madame Tracy better.)
Weird dude with cat’s eyes leaving Madame Dorothea’s who looks vaguely familiar to Clary? Yeah, that’s not suspiciously foreshadowing. OK, this is totally a spoiler for later in the book, but is it bad that when I first read this like a decade ago, for the longest time, I thought Magnus Bane was actually his cat and there was some Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch thing going on? In hindsight, that’s probably a cooler idea than what Cassandra Clare could’ve done.
So, Simon dragged Clary to some Mexican restaurant because she pretended her shock at seeing Magnus was actually because she forgot to eat all day and was starving. And Clary’s still being a brat about having to leave for the rest of the summer, and Simon’s trying to knock sense into her. And now Clary’s all of a sudden pissed that she knows jack shit about her mom’s Mysterious Past™.
Simon thinks maybe Jocelyn doesn’t want to talk about her past because she’s an abuse victim, and apparently Jocelyn has faint scars that totally aren’t from being a Shadowhunter. I’m glad that Simon didn’t make a crass self-harm joke about the scars, but I’m only a chapter and a half in, and that honestly already seems like a shitty move he’d make.
Jocelyn’s calling to try and patch things up with Clary, and Clary’s just letting her mom go to voicemail and is gonna call back later after the poetry reading. Because she’s being a bratty five-year-old. And because all the horribly obvious signs that something bad happening earlier will actually amount to something now that Clary’s gone.
And apparently Eric’s your average bad stereotype nerdy gamer with sketchy tastes in girls.
Simon’s only in the band because he thinks girls think being in a band is hot. Because that’s totally not a weird, sexist stereotype.
So, Jocelyn’s still trying to blow up Clary’s phone, and the Bad Thing Still Hasn’t Happened Yet Because Of Course Not.
So, Gwen’s randomly starting to suffer from vertigo in the school… canteen? Oh, shit, they’re using the British translation from German, aren’t they? It’s cafeteria or the lunch room here in the US…
Apparently the new vertigo doesn’t help Gwen’s clumsiness because of course she’s naturally clumsy and one of those bad stereotype Mary Sues.
Cousin Charlotte’s the one who’s supposed to have inherited the family time travel gene and should be getting the vertigo symptoms that indicate the first time travel… but she hasn’t, and now Gwen is. Lovely.
And I’m already getting snobby bitch vibes from Charlotte, and we’ve only gotten a tiny description of her.
Oh, fun. Because she’s had to study history so much because she’s supposed to have the time travel gene, Charlotte’s also a total teacher’s pet, especially in history class.
Have I mentioned that I hate Charlotte for being a snobby bitch and I hate Gwen for bein a boring Mary Sue?
Apparently the history teacher, Mr. Whitman, is hot. I’d say “please let Mrs. Counter have him because a relationship with a student is really creepy because age difference,” but unless Mrs. Counter is widowed, that’d be weird, too, given that she’s married…
Also, I’m having trouble from making a typo and calling her Mrs. Coulter.
Oh, good. Lesley and Gwen are the only ones with enough sense to not have a crush on Mr. Whitman.
So, this Gordon kid’s one of those Douches With An Ego. Lovely. Also, he’s apparently kinda sexist, with that answer to the question on the quiz about Elizabeth I.
Charlotte’s decided she’s feeling faint. I’m calling it now. Bitch is totally faking the time travel symptoms because she’s an attention-whore.
And now Gwen’s taking Charlotte home because “she’s too sick to stay at school.”
Gwen’s freaking out because Charlotte’s supposed to be about to time travel and wants to go home, Charlotte’s way too chill about the whole thing, and this ghost just shows up and gets in the way.
I know James’ last name Pympoole-Bothame is supposed to be a bad pun and is the exact reason why it can’t be taken seriously, but really? The translator had to pick that bad pun? What is she, twelve? It doesn’t help that James is a pretentious asshole (who also happens to be one of those ghosts who doesn’t realize he’s been dead for hundreds of years).
Of course James has a crush on Charlotte.
Wait, Charlotte can’t see James, but Gwen can? Does that mean that because Gwen actually has the time travel gene and Charlotte doesn’t, seeing ghosts is another symptom of the gene or whatever?
Who’s Great-Aunt Maddy? And what’s up with her psychic visions?
“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I’m not actually going to time-travel today.” Or ever.
Charlotte’s such a snobby bitch…
So, apparently they have to walk home when Charlotte’s having one of her time travel vertigo spells because the family doesn’t want to freak people out on the bus ride home if Charlotte does just suddenly disappear.
Also, who’s this mysterious stalker man in black?
So, Nick and Caroline are Gwen’s younger siblings.
“Yeah, the time travel will happen when it happens.”
Yeah, Lesley’s totally right. Mr. Bernard’s totally the butler, and Gwen’s just too damn used to it to admit it.
I know Miles Richardson’s not as old as Mr. Bernard’s supposed to be, but I’m still suddenly imagining Mr. Bernard looking like Paisley Winterbottom from A Princess for Christmas.
And I’m getting the feeling that Lady Arista’s a bad influence on Charlotte, as far as snobby bitchiness goes.
Oh, fun. Now Gwen’s Almost Time Traveling, and Mr. Bertrand just so happened to be right there. And now he’s totally suspicious.
So, this birth announcement for Gwen from back in the day… why’s her birthday so important?
No, but seriously, Antonia, quit giving up on Jazz and being all judgemental after one peer counseling session.
“I’m only doing this thing for credits towards college prep stuff.” *Insert eye rolling emoji here because I don’t have a phone that can do that emoji and can’t do these reviews on mobile*
So, Michael and Chuckie are the two younger brothers.
Also, the whole not having food thing and the “wait, why’s Chuckie home from daycare so early” thing are so sketchy…
Yep. The mom’s totally neglectful, and Mrs. Marsh is the good neighbor. (Also, it’s been ages since I read this, but how much does Mrs. Marsh know about how bad things are at Antonia’s house? And if this whole thing has been going on as long as Antonia’s been implying, how has Mrs. Marsh not gotten suspicious?)
Ah, yes, Chief Inspector Marlowe… If I were still a Sherlock fan, I’d call him not-Lestrade, but given that I’ve been trying to get into Elementary, I’ll go with not-Gregson.
The whole fake-fainting-to-distract-the-cops-long-enough-to-get-into-the-crime-scene thing is hilarious.
So, yeah, Jacaby’s the unofficial official Paranormal Consulting Investigator. Again, I’m still going with 2016!Dirk Gently with an American accent.
And then Gwydion’s just like “You know you don’t have to look super young and fancy to look like royalty?”
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