Oh, fun. Apparently Conor has to write about important things that happened in their life for English class, and the only thing he can think of is his mom treating him to the Best Day Ever™ Even Though They Both Knew It Preceded Discussing Bad News once she first got diagnosed with cancer.
Conor. Seriously. Sure, you’re freaked out about your mom being sick, but stop acting like a brat and refusing help.
OK, even though Lily does want to help, blabbing about Conor’s mom to the whole school was a bit of a dick move.
So, not only is Conor dealing with his mom being sick, his parents are also divorced. That’s lovely.
Of course Conor just happens to glance at the yew tree on the way into his house after school.
So, Taran got lost in the woods while trying to track Hen Wen. Because of course Hen Wen has a better sense of direction.
Of course Taran conveniently stumbles across the Horned King.
I know the Horned King is supposed to look creepy with his human-skull-with-deer-horns-head, but if somehow it works out that Disney does put their movie series rights renewal to use in making this book be the next live-action remake, I’ll probably not be fazed by that after watching the Butcher’s Block season of Channel Zero and seeing the Pestilent God. (OK, technically the Pestilent God’s head was a straight-up deer skull, but close enough?)
And apparently Taran just wore himself out and passed out after running away because he almost got caught.
I love how Taran’s reaction to being saved by Gwydion basically goes from “Bullshit, you’re not Gwydion; you’re old as balls” to And then Gwydion’s just like “You know you don’t have to look super young and fancy to look like royalty?”
I also love how Gwydion’s reaction to being told the Horned King is in the area and that Hen Wen’s trying to run away from him is just “That sounds fake, but OK. Also, what a coincidence, I’m looking for Hen Wen, too. But at Caer Dallben.”
“No, Taran! Let’s not get all stabby at the Horned King immediately during our search for Hen Wen. We gotta do this carefully so that we don’t, y’know, die and stuff.”
So, apparently the Horned King is Definitely Arawn’s Lackey and they’re trying to take over Prydain.
“I’m going to take on the Horned King to help save Prydain, and one of us is gonna die. And it ain’t gonna be me.” “I’m coming with you because I’m in charge of Hen Wen.” “Kid, you’re just some nobody who’s about to get in the way. GTFO.” “LOL, no.” “OK, fine.”
I mean, I totally get the whole “artist staring at their own art for so long they find 654654165465 things wrong with it” thing, but honestly, if making Clary an Aspiring Artist™ as one of the things that contributes to her being a total Mary Sue, adding this bit of realism to the artist thing isn’t helping.
Simon’s over here calling Clary, pretending to be one of the Shadowhunters she’s currently terrified of. Yeah, what a great BFF. (Also, I do understand he wasn’t actually there during the confrontation, not that he’d be able to see what was going on, but Clary never did tell the Shadowhunters her name, did she?)
So, Clary’s mom went out with Luke and hasn’t Officially Grounded Clary for being out late. Bad sign alert.
And Simon’s in the Manhattan equivalent of a garage band? I say that because I honestly don’t know how much room for home garages there is in Manhattan, and room for garage bands by extension.
“It’s not like I’m inviting you to some orgy in Hoboken.” OK, I’m honestly thinking of doing a tally of “Uh, what the fuck, Simon?” moments in this book now. So far, it’s at two moments so far this chapter.
Of course Clary’s mom is the Super Amazing Artist that Clary wants to be. (Y’know what? I should start calling her Jocelyn already since I’ve already read this ages ago but I’m not *technically* supposed to know that yet. Kinda like last chapter with the Shadowhunter kids.)
And now we’ve got some lovely backstory about Clary’s dead dad and dead older brother and Jocelyn’s name finally got mentioned.
Luke showed up but no Jocelyn because she’s parking the car because that’s totally not convenient enough for Shit To Go Horribly Wrong.
Clary’s asking Luke about what she should do about the Totally Hypothetical Situation With The Shadowhunters That Luke Totally Doesn’t Know About.
OK, Luke’s got “very blue” eyes. I’m gonna go with Mary Sue… uh, Gary Stu Blue, since they can’t be Fanfiction Green?
Yep. Luke’s brushing off the whole thing like “What? I totally don’t know what Shadowhunters are. You’re just… using your Artist Observational Skills you got from your mom. Yeah, that’s it.”
Oh, good. Nothing bad happened to Jocelyn. Yet.
And she and Clary are both redheads. OK.
“Clary wasn’t a super gorgeous clone of her mom like everyone thought. She was just your cute, average, klutzy Mary Sue.”
“You’re not grounded, Clary. Also, all these boxes are for… a… vacation? Yeah, we’re totally going on a long-term vacation… only a few weeks before school starts.” “But mahm! I’m gonna miss all these parties with my friends and the uber-fancy art classes I paid for! Luke! Please back me up in acting like a bratty five-year-old instead of someone who’s almost sixteen!” “LOL, no.” “Fine. I’mma stay here on my own.”
What’s this totally not suspicious foreshadowing about going to Bane to Cover Shit Up Again and Clary not being Jonathan and letting Clary grow up?
And now Luke’s bailing, and Simon just so happens to conveniently show up so that he can help Clary be a bratty five-year-old who runs away when she doesn’t get what she wants. Um, I mean, take her to Eric’s poetry reading at Java Jones.
Ah, yes, Madame Dorothea, the local psychic downstairs. Oh, CCH Pounder, why did you get wrapped up in the shitty movie based on this shitty book and play her? (Also, as far as “local psychics downstairs” go, I like Madame Tracy better.)
Weird dude with cat’s eyes leaving Madame Dorothea’s who looks vaguely familiar to Clary? Yeah, that’s not suspiciously foreshadowing. OK, this is totally a spoiler for later in the book, but is it bad that when I first read this like a decade ago, for the longest time, I thought Magnus Bane was actually his cat and there was some Salem from Sabrina the Teenage Witch thing going on? In hindsight, that’s probably a cooler idea than what Cassandra Clare could’ve done.
So, Simon dragged Clary to some Mexican restaurant because she pretended her shock at seeing Magnus was actually because she forgot to eat all day and was starving. And Clary’s still being a brat about having to leave for the rest of the summer, and Simon’s trying to knock sense into her. And now Clary’s all of a sudden pissed that she knows jack shit about her mom’s Mysterious Past™.
Simon thinks maybe Jocelyn doesn’t want to talk about her past because she’s an abuse victim, and apparently Jocelyn has faint scars that totally aren’t from being a Shadowhunter. I’m glad that Simon didn’t make a crass self-harm joke about the scars, but I’m only a chapter and a half in, and that honestly already seems like a shitty move he’d make.
Jocelyn’s calling to try and patch things up with Clary, and Clary’s just letting her mom go to voicemail and is gonna call back later after the poetry reading. Because she’s being a bratty five-year-old. And because all the horribly obvious signs that something bad happening earlier will actually amount to something now that Clary’s gone.
And apparently Eric’s your average bad stereotype nerdy gamer with sketchy tastes in girls.
Simon’s only in the band because he thinks girls think being in a band is hot. Because that’s totally not a weird, sexist stereotype.
So, Jocelyn’s still trying to blow up Clary’s phone, and the Bad Thing Still Hasn’t Happened Yet Because Of Course Not.
So, Gwen’s randomly starting to suffer from vertigo in the school… canteen? Oh, shit, they’re using the British translation from German, aren’t they? It’s cafeteria or the lunch room here in the US…
Apparently the new vertigo doesn’t help Gwen’s clumsiness because of course she’s naturally clumsy and one of those bad stereotype Mary Sues.
Cousin Charlotte’s the one who’s supposed to have inherited the family time travel gene and should be getting the vertigo symptoms that indicate the first time travel… but she hasn’t, and now Gwen is. Lovely.
And I’m already getting snobby bitch vibes from Charlotte, and we’ve only gotten a tiny description of her.
Oh, fun. Because she’s had to study history so much because she’s supposed to have the time travel gene, Charlotte’s also a total teacher’s pet, especially in history class.
Have I mentioned that I hate Charlotte for being a snobby bitch and I hate Gwen for bein a boring Mary Sue?
Apparently the history teacher, Mr. Whitman, is hot. I’d say “please let Mrs. Counter have him because a relationship with a student is really creepy because age difference,” but unless Mrs. Counter is widowed, that’d be weird, too, given that she’s married…
Also, I’m having trouble from making a typo and calling her Mrs. Coulter.
Oh, good. Lesley and Gwen are the only ones with enough sense to not have a crush on Mr. Whitman.
So, this Gordon kid’s one of those Douches With An Ego. Lovely. Also, he’s apparently kinda sexist, with that answer to the question on the quiz about Elizabeth I.
Charlotte’s decided she’s feeling faint. I’m calling it now. Bitch is totally faking the time travel symptoms because she’s an attention-whore.
And now Gwen’s taking Charlotte home because “she’s too sick to stay at school.”
Gwen’s freaking out because Charlotte’s supposed to be about to time travel and wants to go home, Charlotte’s way too chill about the whole thing, and this ghost just shows up and gets in the way.
I know James’ last name Pympoole-Bothame is supposed to be a bad pun and is the exact reason why it can’t be taken seriously, but really? The translator had to pick that bad pun? What is she, twelve? It doesn’t help that James is a pretentious asshole (who also happens to be one of those ghosts who doesn’t realize he’s been dead for hundreds of years).
Of course James has a crush on Charlotte.
Wait, Charlotte can’t see James, but Gwen can? Does that mean that because Gwen actually has the time travel gene and Charlotte doesn’t, seeing ghosts is another symptom of the gene or whatever?
Who’s Great-Aunt Maddy? And what’s up with her psychic visions?
“Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure I’m not actually going to time-travel today.” Or ever.
Charlotte’s such a snobby bitch…
So, apparently they have to walk home when Charlotte’s having one of her time travel vertigo spells because the family doesn’t want to freak people out on the bus ride home if Charlotte does just suddenly disappear.
Also, who’s this mysterious stalker man in black?
So, Nick and Caroline are Gwen’s younger siblings.
“Yeah, the time travel will happen when it happens.”
Yeah, Lesley’s totally right. Mr. Bernard’s totally the butler, and Gwen’s just too damn used to it to admit it.
I know Miles Richardson’s not as old as Mr. Bernard’s supposed to be, but I’m still suddenly imagining Mr. Bernard looking like Paisley Winterbottom from A Princess for Christmas.
And I’m getting the feeling that Lady Arista’s a bad influence on Charlotte, as far as snobby bitchiness goes.
Oh, fun. Now Gwen’s Almost Time Traveling, and Mr. Bertrand just so happened to be right there. And now he’s totally suspicious.
So, this birth announcement for Gwen from back in the day… why’s her birthday so important?
No, but seriously, Antonia, quit giving up on Jazz and being all judgemental after one peer counseling session.
“I’m only doing this thing for credits towards college prep stuff.” *Insert eye rolling emoji here because I don’t have a phone that can do that emoji and can’t do these reviews on mobile*
So, Michael and Chuckie are the two younger brothers.
Also, the whole not having food thing and the “wait, why’s Chuckie home from daycare so early” thing are so sketchy…
Yep. The mom’s totally neglectful, and Mrs. Marsh is the good neighbor. (Also, it’s been ages since I read this, but how much does Mrs. Marsh know about how bad things are at Antonia’s house? And if this whole thing has been going on as long as Antonia’s been implying, how has Mrs. Marsh not gotten suspicious?)
Ah, yes, Chief Inspector Marlowe… If I were still a Sherlock fan, I’d call him not-Lestrade, but given that I’ve been trying to get into Elementary, I’ll go with not-Gregson.
The whole fake-fainting-to-distract-the-cops-long-enough-to-get-into-the-crime-scene thing is hilarious.
So, yeah, Jacaby’s the unofficial official Paranormal Consulting Investigator. Again, I’m still going with 2016!Dirk Gently with an American accent.
Oh, lovely. We’re starting off with Sophie on her cell phone complaining about these weird dudes in coats and gloves and hats and are weird even for San Francisco.
“Maybe they’re undertakers?” Hey, uh, Elle? What the fuck?
Also, I forgot, but is this conversation the only time we’re going to have Elle in the book? Because having her as Sophie’s best friend in the beginning then having Sophie never encounter her again because she ended up being a throwaway character because Plot Reasons When Shit Happens is dumb.
So, Elle still listens to… whatever these bands are because she never got over her Goth phase. OK, one, why is that a bad thing? And two, why so much detail for a likely throwaway character? Oh, and three, I’m getting kinda judgemental vibes from Sophie if her inner dialogue is complaining about that.
Elle’s new theory is these weird Coat Guys are in the mob, which… kinda sounds a bit more plausible? Almost?
It’s 81° in the early afternoon on a day at the end of May in San Francisco? Yeah, my sister spent a summer interning in San Francisco a couple years back, and I’m pretty sure she had to have at least a jacket that early in the season.
“Hey, Elle, I totally got it. I’m somehow squinting hard enough to see the tiny exposed section of these guys’ faces, and have weird gray skin. They’ve got a skin condition!”
And now the Coat Guys’ boss just got out of the car, and apparently he’s sharply-yet-old-fashioned(ly?)-dressed.
Lovely. Coat Guys and Fancy Boss Dude are going into the bookstore across the street where Josh the Twin works. Because of course that’s what they’re doing.
“Maybe the Fancy Boss Dude’s a fashion designer. Or an eccentric author.” Yeah, that’s totally what he is.
“Dude totally didn’t catch me staring at him from inside the shop across the street. Right? RIGHT?” I mean, he probably has super vision, too.
OMG, all these pretentious descriptions of the rotten egg smells competing with the peppermint smells and neither matching the old book smells of the stock room…
All the switching between just calling Sophie and Josh by their first names and using both their first and last names reminds me of the “Thomas” episode of Bad Creepypasta where the guys kept making fun of how the creepypasta initially kept referring to the main girl by both her first and last name like “Valerie… Valerie Hudson did such-and-such…”
Here we go. Another book where I have good memories about it, but it hasn’t really aged well, so it’s going into the “nostalgia glasses” tag on Goodreads. (I don’t ever remember liking the sequels the first time around, even to the point I got bored enough to quit reading the fourth one…)
So, the first half of the intro is basically a Generic Overview Of Flamel.
And now, apparently, his wife Perenelle’s been kidnapped, and the spellbook with the Elixir of Life recipe got stolen with her, and now the couple’s fucked until Flamel gets them both back.
I’m not even French, and I’m still annoyed that Michael Scott went with the English spelling and added the “h” in “Nicholas” in Flamel’s first name because I’m assuming it’s part of Flamel’s attempt to disguise the fact that he’s 700+ years old. Even with all the shit I’m going to be complaining about on here about “shit in my Harry Potter rereads that’s kinda sketchy in hindsight,” at least Jo Rowling could do that…
Hoo boy, this is about to be a long one. Also, I think it’s still technically set in the episodes of the show that I have seen?
So, Ichabod’s, like, released but Still Suspicious But The Cops Can’t Really Do Shit About It.
Oh, yeah… I remember this bit. Ichabod’s all confused by modern technology still.
And the Headless Horseman is the Horseman of Death and Ichabod and Abbie have to wait for the other three Horsemen of the Apocalypse because of course they do. (OK, when I watch the show, the whole idea is fun to watch. When I see it all written out, the whole thing kinda sounds as ridiculous as Abbie thinks.)
So, from Ichabod’s notes on mirrors and superstitions: They are spoopy.
And now… OK, screw it, I’m referring them by the popular ship name “Ichabby” when they’re in the same scene even though I ship Ichabod/Katrina so far… And now, Ichabby is allowed to investigate the supernatural shit that are the deaths of Sheriff Corbin and John Cho. With a time limit, because those are fun.
Yeah, Ichabod’s still weirded out by modern technology. (Also, even though saying that “mentally feeble” people can’t get guns would fit Ichabod’s archaic slang, that’s… a pretty yikes way of saying someone’s mentally ill.)
OK, on this drawing of the Headless Horseman… I gotta say, the historical costumes on this show were awesome. How accurate they really are, I can’t say, but here’s hoping they’re close enough…
“Katrina wasn’t a witch… was she? She would’ve said. Right? RIGHT?” BWAHAHAHA… Man, if she wasn’t a witch, how would you explain… everything? (On a related note, this Serilda chick is Important.)
Yeah, Serilda’s Not Completely Dead Yet because of course not.
OK, so, in Sheriff Corbin’s records, he totally knew about the rival covens involving Katrina and Serilda. Because of course he did.
From these copies of the records photocopied into here: Who’s the guy in the old photo, and why is he important? And the concealed weapon permit behind it, who’s that for? Maybe Jenny? (It’s been so long since I’ve actually seen this episode, so I don’t know if this shit was actually referenced in-show or if it’s just Cool Little Details.)
And now Ichabod’s rambling on about how “photographic memory” isn’t totally accurate about how much he remembers about the hidden tunnels under the town because it’s an understatement regarding all the other senses involved. Dude, you’re so fucking long-winded, and not in an endearing way like Ducky from NCIS.
All that infodumping about memory turned out to have an anticlimactic ending: “Blah blah blah, we ran into Serilda down there, we fought her (I’m leaving out the gruesome details), then we blew her up. But the tunnels didn’t collapse because of Awesome Freemason Architectural Awesomeness.”
These drawings of birbs are cute.
Oh, fun. Now I’m remembering Abbie’s Ex Who Won’t Let Go.
Ah, yes, the whole plausible deniability thing going on with the BS excuse that Ichabod’s a history professor from Oxford doing consulting stuff and nobody remembers him from history because He Isn’t Supposed To Be Important Enough.
Also, this bit where Ichabod’s bitching about high sales taxes and yet that’s one of the things that were a big selling point for the Revolution, and then Abbie’s just like, “Dude, you’re not wrong, but now’s not the time for this…”
OK, note to self: Ichabod’s a huge fan of donut holes. This could be a way to bribe him if I was ever in this universe.
No, but with all these copies of the newspaper articles about how Abbie was gonna be a brilliant criminal profiler and go to the FBI Academy, I’m kinda sad about hearing on, like, Tumblr and shit that she kept getting the short end of the stick character development-and-plot-wise in the later seasons.
And here’s the first(?) mention of the demon in the woods that initially lead to the estrangement of Abbie and Jenny.
And then Gwydion’s just like “You know you don’t have to look super young and fancy to look like royalty?”
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