So, Jesse’s parents died in a car crash when she was a year old, so she got adopted by C2 for their Super Spy Kid program. And she’s supposedly got no other family. That doesn’t sound sketchy at all…
And here’s the explanation of who the child prodigy that Jesse was compared to. I guess? I wasn’t paying attention, plus it’s been way too long since I tried blogging this book.
And now Jesse is infodumping about human smelling ability.
Now Jesse’s new mission is to pretend to be a normal new kid at a normal school while checking out the target.
Oh, hey, now she’s getting a spy watch. And it actually tells time!
Oh, fun. Apparently there are more kids in the Super Spy Kid program, or Operation IQ or whatever, and Liam’s last kid partner had a nervous breakdown from the whole thing. Because that’s not sketchy at all.
Of course I’m over here distracted by Neverwhere instead of finishing Coraline and Secrets like I’ve been meaning to.
At least the prologue is short.
So, right. Richard Mayhew. Goodbye party. Moving to London. Got it.
And his friends got him an umbrella with a map of the London Underground because foreshadowing. Because, y’know, prologue.
And now he’s chilling outside his own party because he’s too drunk to have fun anymore.
Oh, fun. More foreshadowing, this little old lady thing he’s homeless. And she’s predicting a long journey to some part of London she doesn’t recognize.
Pfft… watch out for doors.
And now Richard’s giving the old woman his new umbrella.
The woman is telling him that a good heart isn’t always enough, and that’s a sad outlook.
*squints suspiciously at that particular list of Tube stations that just got listed*
*squints suspiciously at Richard wondering if there’s really a circus at Oxford Circus*
*squints suspiciously at the conversation between Richard and his unnamed friend about drowned rats*
Also, between this and Coraline, what’s with Neil Gaiman and rats?
And now Richard is miserable on the way down to London because hangover and ominous conversations?
I thought this would be easier with the wonky formatting on mobile now that I have a new iPad, but no. Not really. Anyway…
Wow. I wanted to binge read this all in one day last Thanksgiving last year, and now… it’s about a year later, and I’m only now like halfway done. I fail at this.
OK, time to get started. With the Spooky’s Jump Scare Mansion soundtrack playing in the background.
So, yeah, it’s the next day now, and Coraline forgot that she was in the Other House at first.
And of course the wardrobe is full of cool clothes that Coraline’s actual parents would’ve never bought her.
No, but that stone has to be important if it snapped Coraline back to reality a bit.
OK, so, the Other Father just said that the Other Mother is trying to change the doors to keep the cat out. That’s a bad sign. And he looks faker than he did before. Also, he probably just Said Too Much.
And he Said Too Much Again when saying the Other Mother’s world currently only is modeled after Coraline’s house and the grounds.
Yeah, the random snow globe that’s on the fireplace mantle in this world but not the real world isn’t suspicious at all…
So, yeah, now Coraline’s trying to explore the emptiness beyond what the Other Mother bothered to create to keep Coraline there. And the cat’s coming with her.
And… she’s not really going anywhere other than in circles.
That statement from the cat about a spiderweb is suspiciously ominous.
Of course the rats here are the Other Mother’s spies disguised as the old man’s pets.
Oh, fun. The Other Mother doesn’t have a reflection in the mirror. And that line about not trusting mirrors is suspicious.
Come on Coraline. The Other Mother isn’t letting you go home so easily this time.
No, but really. She ain’t gonna let you go now, especially now that you’re seeing how creepy she really is…
And now Coraline’s getting thrown into a secret closet behind the mirror.
Unrelated note: WordPress just updated so that everyone has to use the new blog editor thing, and I hate it. But anyway…
So, yeah, Coraline’s back home. Her parents aren’t back from running errands and stuff, and she’s bored while home alone.
And they’re still not back the next morning. Because none of this is weird. At all.
Coraline’s visiting Misses Forcible and Spink, and they let her have soda, which her parents never let her have. After the whole thing with the mom not letting Coraline get cool rain boots and cool gloves, I can totally see that.
“Hey, what are your parents up to?” “IDK, they’re missing.” “OK, cool, can you tell your mom I found an old newspaper article for her?” “Uh… I just said my parents are missing? Grownups never listen.”
Coraline’s parents still aren’t home for dinner. Again. And I love the idea of Coraline just grabbing some of the family’s emergency money, running down to the grocery store, and getting herself a dinner of soda, cake, and apples.
OK, I feel like I wrote stories like Coraline just did when I was a kid.
I love the idea of bubble baths, but I dunno if it was just that one brand of bubble bath I tried as a kid (which was so long ago I forgot what exactly it was) or if it’s all bubble baths that gave me a minor allergic reaction/skin sensitivity issue.
And now in the middle of the night, Coraline’s finally getting lonely.
So, the cat just showed up to wake Coraline up because of course it figured out a way into her house. The cat’s over here like, “yeah, sure, here’s your parents. They’re stuck in this creepy mirror at the end of the hall.”
Coraline’s over here like, “OK, cool, the Other Mother took them. Gotta call the cops about it because they’ll totally think this isn’t a prank call.”
Then she follows it up with “yeah, that totally backfired. Guess it’s up to me to go on a rescue mission.”
So, apparently when Coraline was younger, she wanted to go on an adventure to explore the landfill just to see what was there. Yeah, I feel like that’s something I would’ve wanted to do as a kid.
And then the dad let himself get stung up by wasps to let Coraline get away. And then going back later to get his dropped glasses anyway is what made Coraline think doing what you have to even if it’s scary is the bravest thing ever.
Once Coraline and the cat go through the door, the cat’s like, “so that’s why you’re going to rescue your parents?” and Coraline responds with “no, it’s ‘cuz they’re my parents, duh.”
“Where’s my parents?” “We’re right here!” “No, you’re not. Where’s my real parents?”
And now the Other Mother’s trying to give Coraline a bunch of BS excuses as to where her real parents are in order to keep her there, and Coraline’s not buying any of it.
Oh, fun. Looks like the Other Father just Said Too Much about why the Other Mother wants the key to the door between worlds.
Yeah, the Other Mother going to bed because she’s tired sounds extra fake now.
So now Coraline is going to explore more of the Other Mother’s world.
And the cat’s telling her that cats don’t have names because they don’t have an identity crisis that humans do… wait, did I get mixed up when saying that earlier? About the timing of the explanation?
The cat thinks the Other Mother wants to keep Coraline because she wants something to “love” (read: obsess over in a really creepy way), and that the only way for Coraline to get her parents back and go back to her old life is to give the Other Mother some kind of challenge.
So that’s what Coraline’s gonna have to do after going back home to sleep safely and coming back later.
It’s been, what, five? six hours? since I worked on that last chapter of City of Bones, and I still have a headache. Medicine isn’t helping. And now I’m torturing myself more by continuing Twilight. Fun.
24 pages. This chapter is 24 fucking pages. Why the hell am I doing this to myself?
So, now it’s the next day, and Eric and Mike are already fighting over Bella. Fun. Go Mary Sue. Get all the guys. Or whatever.
And Bella’s clumsy as fuck, as shown by this awkward scene in gym class with the volleyball or whatever.
God, I’m bored already. And I’m not even a page and a half into the chapter.
When saying how nervous she was about lunch because the Cullens hated her for no reason, Bella’s like, “I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.” First of all, what kinda description is that? Second of all, I typed that sentence out exactly as it was written. Sorry, but since the Terminator is the character (at least, what he’s most commonly known as) as well as the movie, shouldn’t it be capitalized in the quote? Not only is Stephenie Meyer a bad writer in terms of plot and super-boring characters, she can’t even get fucking elementary-school-level grammar right.
And now she’s all like “boo hoo, Edward’s adopted siblings are here but not Edward.” Girl. Get your shit together. Make up your mind.
And now Mike’s over here blabbering about an upcoming beach trip. I’ve already forgotten, since it’s been literal years since I’ve suffered through the whole book, but is this Actual Foreshadowing to the Important Beach Trip Later or is it just useless infodumping because that’s a good portion of what Stephenie Meyer’s been doing in this book?
So, wait, this whole thing about school was just a flashback Bella had while recounting her shitty day while getting smacked in the face with a volleyball? Is this some “life flashing before her eyes” metaphor?
“Charlie’s a shit cook, so I willingly stuck myself on kitchen duty.” I mean, sure, go ahead and like cooking or whatever in real life, but based on just… general context, and kinda subtext, this just feels vaguely misogynistic.
And Bella’s just now noticing the Cullens’ fancy clothes and it’s just now hitting her how seriously they’re rich snobs.
“And now that I’m at the grocery store, everything’s cool and normal and shit.”
Holy shit, how am I only five pages into the chapter? Please make this shit go faster.
Steak and potatoes. Bella seriously is making steak and potatoes. Holy shit.
Bella’s only been in Forks for what, three days, and her mom’s already sent her like, ten worried emails? For real?
Fuck this. I should probably get medicine for my headache, even though it didn’t help much earlier.
So, apparently Wuthering Heights is one of Bella’s favorite books, and she’s (re)reading past where they’re supposed to be for English class. I mean, sure, I’ve reread super-old “classic” novels for fun because I like them, but Wuthering Heights isn’t one of them for me. But that’s just me.
So, Bella’s going down to talk to her dad before dinner, since he just got home, and when he asked if it was her, she thought to herself, “who else?” I mean, there’ll be someone else creeping in later. Because none of this is weird at all.
When Bella used to visit Charlie as a kid, he’d used to unload his service weapon while she was there so that she wouldn’t accidentally hurt herself with it. But apparently now he doesn’t since he trusts Bella to not play around with it now that she’s older, and he doesn’t think she’s depressed and would use it. OK, that last part is a mixtute of “What the fuck? Why would Stephenie Meyer put that other than the fact that she’s stupid and wants to make yet another reference to Bella being the worst kind of Mary Sue,” and “That’s probably the greatest foreshadowing for the entirety of New Moon I’ve ever seen, except I don’t think Stephenie Meyer is that good at planning a fucking series.”
So, apparently Renee is a worse cook than Charlie. Or something. And he’s relieved that Bella’s making good ol’ steak and potatoes. Holy fucking shit.
Yay. Random infodump about the fact that Mike’s dad runs a sporting goods store. I feel like Mike’s Dad is just a random side character who doesn’t need that sort of background info.
And now Bella’s asking Charlie about the Cullen family. Because this isn’t a suspicious line of questioning at all.
Holy shit. Now Charlie’s going on this angry rant about how Dr. Cullen’s an awesome doctor that the community should love except for the fact that the whole family’s super rich and reclusive and new in town. And he’s like “all the adopted teens are so much better behaved than I would’ve thought for, y’know, adopted kids who are teenagers.” What the actual fuck?
Yeah, this shit’s actually funny: Bella’s like, “All the Cullen kids are hot,” and Charlie’s basically like, “Girl. You should see their dad. Too bad… I mean… Good thing he’s married. All the, uh, nurses at the hospital are all over him.” Are there Charlie/Carlisle ship fics on the internet? I feel like there are Charlie/Carlisle ship fics on the internet. I should look them up (and use AO3’s tag filter system to exclude kinks that look weird to me).
OK, now I’m actually having a little bit of fun. More than I thought I would. Thanks, Stephenie’s Unintentional Ship-Sailing Lines.
OK, never mind. Shit’s dumb again. Bella’s over here washing dishes by hand because they don’t have a fucking dishwasher.
Wait, we’re not getting infodumps about how the rest of the week at school went? We’re just getting little bits of info?
Also, apparently Edward didn’t show up for school for the rest of the week, and Bella’s still like “boo hoo, no Edward to creep me out even though he’s super hot.”
OK, yeah, this beach trip that Mike’s been dropping hints about and has just invited Bella to is the Big One at La Push That’s in Two Weeks and Is Super Important. So Stephenie Meyer does know how to use foreshadowing, but only up to a certain point.
Holy shit. I’ve been at this for almost an hour at this point, and I’m only, what, halfway through the chapter?
“I had a super boring weekend. The only thing remotely close to a highlight was that I went to the library. But it was super tiny and didn’t have shit, so I’m gonna have to make a Trip Into The City to go to an Actual Book Store. I’m gonna have to get a friend to take me, because my truck is shit but awesome but shit.”
And on Monday, they got their first snow of the season, and Bella’s surprised because she’s never seen snow in real life before. I know people who don’t live in places that get snow often are shocked when seeing it in real life, but just the way that Bella’s reaction was written, it’s just like… girl, come on.
Random aside: I just got distracted and went on AO3 to try to find Charlie/Carlisle fics in English, and after filtering out other characters and ships being tagged, I couldn’t find any with that ship. And one Charlie/Cullen fic, but it has Bella/Alice as the primary ship. Someone go write me a Charlie/Carlisle fic centering on just that ship.
Apparently Bella Does Not Like Snowball Fights In Person.
And now Edward’s back. And Bella Does Not Like That, Either.
Oh, fun. Edward caught Bella staring as soon as Jessica pointed out that Bella was staring.
Mike’s over here planning a huge snowball fight after school, and Jessica’s now agreeing to it like a lovesick puppy, which I’m pretty sure Mike doesn’t notice because he’s too into Bella.
And now the snow’s all melted because it switched to rain.
Lovely. Now Edward’s being super sweet and pretending like he didn’t totally hate Bella the week earlier.
Ugh. I hate awkward small talk in books more than I hate awkward small talk in real life. And I’m fucking autistic.
And apparently Bella’s awesome at science. And so is Edward. So they got done with their work in like five minutes.
Lovely. There’s something weird and wrong with Edward’s eyes changing colors, and Bella’s over here blurting it out.
Bella’s over here noticing how hot Edward is, and how the whole eye color question pissed him off. And then it’s like “saved by the teacher, breaking the awkward tension.”
But then the bio teacher’s all up in this sexist bullshit, thinking Edward did all the work when Bella did most of it.
And now Bella’s the one avoiding awkward questions. Edward’s wondering why she moved to Washington from Arizona.
Holy shit, this banter about Bella’s personal life is awful.
“My mom always says I’m an open book.” “Girl, that’s bullshit. You’re hard to read.” Oh, look. This is more attempts at Actual Foreshadowing.
Oh, fun. Mike’s jealous that Edward’s suddenly nice to Bella. Dude. Get over yourself and date Jessica instead of the massive turd that is Bella Swan. (Although Edward Cullen is a bigger turd, and a big creep.)
And Bella’s over here about to smash into other cars in the parking lot on the way out of school because she’s freaked out about Edward, and Edward’s over here laughing at her. Lovely way to sum up their relationship at this point.
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